Rage, my darling
by likeballet
Summary: Severus has no intention of speaking with the newest teacher at hogwarts, he had hated her for years and would continue for many after. He thought anyways.. HGSS.
1. Prolouge

Everyone says that being alone is the hardest thing to do, but for Severus it's the knowing that he's the reason that, ultimatly, he is alone. He pushes them away, and says he doesn't like relationships. But Severus doesn't fear them in themselves, he fears what they'll take from him when they finally leave. The person he'd become. "My hearts like glass, without the opacity. My body is like love without the affection. I furl into myself at nights and drain myself of saddness." Severus wrote on an empty parchment. He wasn't much for poetry but when it comes easily, you go for it.

The nights are the worst, definatly. The phone doesn't ring in the night, that's the hardest. It's just silent and lonely. You await the ringing but it never comes. So you take the phone off the hook and pretend thats the reason nobody calls. Severus had lived in London his entire life. Spinner's End was the closest thing to home he could ever feel, but the industrial city in northern England wasn't exactly comforting. At least in the long run. His house was at the end of an old dirt road that nobody went down, and he was so far away everything that its a wonder people don't know why he's so skinny. The trees covered everything like a forest, and the other houses were all abandoned. Another area of lonely not being covered.

Severus has an hour and 15 minutes to get on the Hogwarts train and a week before classes started. He could feel the look on the first years faces already when he stepped inside the classroom, waving a hand to close the curtains, stopping at the front behind a tall wooden desk and telling them to open their books and be quiet.

"You listen, I speak. Thats how you learn and escpecially how I attepmt to teach you blithering idiots. Now open your books, granted however, you don't need help with that," His slow voice and deep tone frightened the first years, and Dumbledore had asked him on numerous occasions to try and be a bit more gentle with them. He however, believed that being gentle would be something they would come to regret in harsh times. You can't be gentle around the Dark Lord, you have to be hard and forceful. It was the only approach.

On his way out the door he pulled out his smokes and litt one up, the pale blue filth filling the air around his face. He enjoyed being able to smoke outside, and when he got to Howarts he would have to go all the way up to his tower - open the window and sit on the ledge to smoke one. Cravings barely took over him unless he was nervous about something or really pissed off.  
A long walk and an even longer train ride awaited him, and though he'd never admit it to anyone.. Severus couldn't wait to get back where everything was right. People listened to him, obeyed him and feared him. Which is all any slightly morbid, lonely man would want. It was another year at Hogwarts, and to say the least, it would be an interesting one.

Severus had been moved up this year to Defence against the Dark Arts, and potions was left to be adorned by whichever Wizard Dumbledore chose to his liking. But Severus had not expected the choice made, though everyone seemed please to have one of their favorite students back, he was (after many unkind words against her) told to keep his 'tight lips' closed about the subject by many people.

After a long drag he flicked the cigarette ontop of a shrub and continued toward the train station. He had grown up taught to hate a certain kind of people, and admire another kind. He wonders if he had a different upbringing would he still hate the new teacher with such a force he could think her flying across a room and it happen, or would it make no difference whatsoever? He decided on the latter to ensure a clear mind once he reached Hogwarts, afterall Dumbledore may seem perfectly nice but if he knows somethings wrong he'll dive into your mind without a thought.

In the words of Alastar Moody, there are spots that don't come off. And she was one of them. He had not been able to stand her since her all too easy friendship with Potter (and Severus thanks the heavens that he hasn't seen that brat in years) and her all-knowing mind that he never once felt compelled to invade.

Finally reaching the train station, he pushed past kids in all directions and headed for his compartment to read, hoping none of the other teachers would interfere. Though every year it's a new one "Other head compartments are full up, do you mind?" (usually the person being Madam Pomfry) and without waiting for an answer would sit. So he just tried ot ignore them as best as possible. This year he had alot of reading to do on the dark arts. He'd been fishing for the slot for years, even though he wasn't completely wanting of it. He mainly liked it for the title. He loved potions, it was his passion and he hated leaving it. As much as he hated who was taking over it.

He sat down, next to the window, closing the curtains enough to darken the room but allow enough light in to read his book. Opening to page '148' he got lost in the defences of the subject. There were so many curses you could use, and alot of them needed acute concentration and a sturdy hand; which most wizards did not have.

His thoughts were interrupted by the last person he wanted to see while, undoubtably, looking unarmed.

"Do you mind if I take a seat with you? The others are full up," She asked, barely looking at him.

He waited for her to just take a seat anyways but, she, instead awaited an answer.

"Well, I don't exactly have a choice now, do I?" His mouth furling.

She tilted her head and stood up straighter. "You could say no if you really wanted to, which I suspect you do-" she sighed "I could always sit, uncomfortably, in a full compartment somewhere."

"Then why don't you do just that then?" He turned away and started reading again. A moment later her heard a click signaling the door was closed and she was gone.

This year would consist of him talking with her as little as possible, and showing Miss Granger that even though she is no longer his student, he is still he superior.


	2. Chapter 01

Severus sat in his usual seat in the great hall, awaiting permission to drink his coffee, and listening to the annoyng hat sing another song he probably worked all year on. A few seats down, Miss Granger, was smiling broadly and listening to the song with such interest. A peice of parchment sat beside her empty plate and a quill was sticking out of her robes. Earlier he had noticed she had taken a few notes down before everyone had entered the room. She was early, as was he but he didn't dare speak - nor look at her.

Candles hung in mid-air, first years gathered around the front of the hat, and the smell of sacks worn by house elves were noticable to Severus, whose nose was above the normal rate of abilities when it came to sniffing something out. It's why he always made such a great potions master, and why he could detect someone before he saw them. It came useful in situations, like when he walked the corridors at night looking for rule-breakers.

After the sorting took place, Dumbledore stood up and smiled at everyone kindly.

"Welcome, welcome. First years are to be aware that the dark forest is off limits, as well as returning students," He eyed a few people whom have trouble remembering that. "A few announcments are in order - First off our Potions master, Professer Snape with be taking over the Defence against the Dark arts class, and a new member of our Staff, Professer Granger, will be taking over potions. I expect you all will treat her with the same respect you did with Professer Snape."

Murmurs went across the room, and after a few more announcments, finally he gave the order to eat. Food appeared across all the tables, and Severus ignored his plate and went straight for his coffee. Black, strong and bitter. The right taste and the right smell.

He didn't touch any of his food, just kept refilling his cup. Dumbledore gave him a cup of his own reading 'Severus' on it for his birthday 5 years ago, which on command could refill his coffee exactly right. The other cups that everyone else had refilled it the way it wanted instead of the way he wanted. He would always get pumpkin juice which he revolted.

Hagrid was talking away with Miss Granger as she picked at her food and nodded with him.

"So I told Sirius that he didn't 'ave to be 'fraid of Fang, that he wouldn't hurt a fly. Course it didn't help when Fang tried to get a bit roudy with 'em," the oaf said, stuffing a large peice of pie in his mouth.

Severus shook his head and finished his 4th cup of coffee. He looked around the room at the children, and a few of them gave him looks of disgust. He didn't care. Why should he pretend to like them, they had their parents and other students for that. It wasn't his job to like them. His job was to fill them with as much knowledge their more-than-often tiny brains could hold.

After the feast he headed up to his quarters to catch up on reading and hope that sleep would overtake him as soon as possible. He couldn't bear being awake all night, it had been too long since he's had a full eight house of sleep, and even longer since he's had a dreamless one. He tells himself he needs natural sleep. That potion wouldn't be real. He would not offer up defeat.

As Severus layed in his bed, he let his mind wander to the things he hated thinking. Being lonely, though sometimes he doesn't mind so much. He's got himself figured out during those times. He understands completely what he needs in those times and that he can never have them. He is nothing but an ex-death eater, greasy haired git whom nobody would want to be courted by. Somedays it didn't matter, but on the days it did those were certainly the hardest.

His childhood had been more than terrible. Granted he's casted aside as many memories as he could of those difficult times. His father hovering over his mother as she covering any part of her body she could reach with her arms. Gritting his teeth, Severus wished he could have been born blind. Athough, he though, the screams and noises emerging from the rooms were enough to tramatize him alone. He's glad they're dead and gone, and that he doesn't have every memory still with him.

His 'daddy issues' provided enough self-conciousness so that growing up he never bothered with woman. He was terrified of ending up like him. And with his mother, she had only said few things to him before her life was taken (and tose had completely changed his views on what a woman needs). He vowed to never touch a woman and cause her as much pain as his mother had been through. He may look like his father, but the outside isn't what matters to him.

His students were too dumb to realize that. He had a stone facade for more than a decade of teaching and it was just an act. At least it started out that way, somewhere between detentions and harsh words he somehow managed to merge himself with this mask. He doesn't know where the real Severus and the fake Severus began. Is there a real Severus?

When he had finally let a woman in, he was 17 - just a year before he had made the life-changing decision to become a death eater. She was kind to him at first, telling him things he needed to hear. That he was kind underneath it all, and that she didn't care about his looks. She confessed 2 weeks later that she had only been using him to make her boyfriend jealous - and shrugged at him. Shrugged, as if she couldn't make up her mind upon Tea or Pumpkin Juice. That shrug had haunted him for years and he took it out on victims of the Dark Lord. It took Severus just under a year to realize what he was doing and imediatly contacted Albus Dumbledore.

He could still see all the faces of the people he's used the unforgivable curses on. And it still burns to think that - while under the imperius curse due to lack of cooperation - he did terrible things to women. Another reason to keep to himself. To stay lonely. A chance at happiness was nowhere in reach for him and he accepted that years ago. But he wanted some changes, he certainlly didn't want to die without knowing a womans loving touch. He would formulate a plan in finding a wife sometime after the year was over.

After what seemed a lifetime Severus fell asleep, and in the morning he awoke feeling exceptionally eladed about the day. Classes started in 2 hours, his first being a Defense professor. He showered (though he had to prepare a few potions later the heat and chemicals in the air would surly put it back into a greasy state), put on his usualy attire and stormed off to the first class.

Loving to make a late entrence, he opened the door quickly stepping through. His robes with a cape-like look billowed in the stride he took towards the head of the class. First years. They all stared at him and he couldn't trace any blinking on them - meaning he was doing good so far.

"Professor Snape, that is what you will call me. I do not accept 'Snape' or 'Severus'. I am your professor, not your friend and you will appreciate that later on." he stepped down off the higher mantle and closed the robe around him, hiding his arms in the process. "You are here to learn to defend yourself i properly /i against any dark magic that may come your way. I do not tolerate disobedience, or back-talk. You will come to hate me within days and the feeling will be completely mutual. If you want a friend, wait till after my class and then approach another morsal."

By the end of the class the children were racing out as fast as they could. He accomplished avoiding many questions. He had already taken 15 points from Hufflepuff and 5 points from Gryffindor. His next 2 classes were dismal at best and he could already feel a headache forming. A ravenclaw in her second year had manages to mutter a hex the wrong way and it bounced off a mirror on the side wall and hit a boy from Slytherin square in the shoulder.

during his lunch hour Severus took advantage off the Staff room. Nobody ate there, they all went to the great hall to converse with each other. He sat in his usual place, a tall dark red leather chair beside the coffee and accio'd his mug. A few moments later the door opened, and expecting to see his mug he looked up. What was really there was Miss Granger, holding the mug.

"Saw this outside the door, and as I was coming in anyways.." she said stepping closer to him. He huffed and grabbed the mug from her. So much for having a quiet lunch break.  
He waved his hand over the cup, filling it with the perfect brew of coffee. Trying to ignore her, even though she sat in the chair beside him, he tried drinking his coffee without snarling at her.  
"How was your first morning teaching Defence against the Dark arts?" her own mug filling now with some light green liquid, which Severus assumed was some sort of Herbel Tea by the smell.  
"Civilized," he stated shortly. By the look on Hermiones face Severus could tell she was expecting some sort of longer answer or to atleast be asked the same in return.  
But he said nothing else, just kept drinking his coffee.  
"Withing the first 30 minutes of Potions this morning, Drew Crintora blew up a cauldron," she sighed, taking another sip of her tea, "And in my second class there's this kid, I swear he's the spitting image of Draco and equally as michevious.. he tried hexing a girl while my back was turned."

She looked over at Severus, who was deeply involved in his coffee. "The classes seem to be going okay other than those two mishaps.." she smiled, tilting her head a bit to the side, "I'm taking a few pointers from you, Severus," He grimaced as she used his name, "I'm a bit harsh, but not nearly as snippy as you were."

Laughing she stood up and walked towards the opposite wall, nodding at a portrait of a man Severus has yet to learn the name of. Spinning around she nodded at him and excused herself. "Classes will be starting in 28 minutes, must get going."

A deep breath emerged from him, as he relaxed a bit in the chair. 'Who does she think she is?' he thought. 'Does she know how long it took me to be civil with Minerva, and her chatterbox of a mouth?'

He looked at his watched and noticed he had 14 minutes to get to his classroom. He filled his coffee once more and headed out into the hallways, brushing against children and covering his coffee with his other hand so it wouldn't spill.

"Severus!" A voice bellowed from behind him. He tightened his lips and swung around to face Poppy.

"Yes?"

"Let me walk you to your classroom," she smiled grabbing his elbow lightly.  
"I can find it on my own.."

"So how do you feel about Hermione taking over potions? I think it's wonderful. She always did have a knack for it when she attended your class.."  
"I also remember her being an annoying know-it-all," he smirked, hoping she would trail off of this subject.  
"Better to know it all then to know nothing, eh? Well anyways, I do hope you be more kind to her now that you're no longer her professer. You've become civil with the rest of the staff," she smiled up at him, her eyes half closed in amusement.  
"That took a great deal of time, Poppy."  
"Well, if it takes time I hope you atleast give her that." And with a quick nod she left, rushing through the children who were already running late for class, he presumed.


	3. Chapter 02

**C H A P T E R 0 2**

The week had been nothing short of awful for Severus. Between annoying children and a constant sight of Miss Granger, things didn't seem to want to get any better. She hadn't talked to him as much as he expected. She merely said 'Hello' every now and then. Sometimes she brought up some potion to a discussion, which he never helped with. He just referred her to a book (that she probably already read) and walked away.

On Thursday he had run into her coming out of the bathroom. She was looking dreadful, and wasn't in the best mood. He wanted to avoid that, but by the time he was finished glathering his things she was out of the lavratory and looking at him with glazed eyes.

"Sorry," she mumbled and looked at her hands. He noticed them shaking slightly, but didn't question it. He didn't particularily care to know.

He sighed and shrugged a bit. What was she sorry about? 

"I have no need for your apologies."

She walked past him quickly and out of the room and he didn't see her at all on Friday. Not even in her own classroom.

He had spent this Saturday so far up in the Headmasters office, waiting for him to show up. Dumbledore had sent a 2nd year with a note to the library, where Severus had been in the back enjoying the silence. Saturdays were always empty of students. The note had instructed him to go to the office and wait for him.

Tapping his foot on the dark carpet, and impatiently sighing every now and then, there was a sound behind him.

Turning around in his chair he saw Dumbledore hovering over him, smiling.

"Severus."

He rounded the chair and stood infront of him now. "Albus, may I ask what I've been waiting in your office for almost an hour for?"

"I am terribly sorry about the wait, but other things were to be taken care of," he said smoothly. "Now, as for why you're here, I need you to do me a favor."

Severus gritted his teeth. Of course. His life consisted of doing things for Dumbledore.

"I need you to take over Professor Grangers Seven o'clock detention with Jeremy Steiner. She is currently unavailable to do so."

"And why is she?"

"That information, upon her request, is to be held. Lets just say her condition is not indusive to the envoirment right now."

"I think that if I am to do her dirty work, I should know why."

"Severus, when she feels the time is right to tell you, she will. It is not my position to say."

Severus left the office in a foul mood. It was six in the afternoon already. He had not bothered going down to supper and looking for Hermione (if she'd even be there) he just went directly to his chambers and put away his books. Setting up his desk to mark tests he was to give back on Monday, he waited for the child to get here.

Finally, when he did, he looked very nervous. He fidgeted and approached Severus' desk.

"Now, Mr. Steiner, what did you do to get this detention. I need you to tell me so I know an appropriate way to punish you."

If possible he looked more nervous. Severus recognized this kid from his class and noted he was in his 4th year. He was in Slytherin, and had a reputation for getting detention often.

"I called Granger a mudblood," he stammered a bit.

"It's Professor Granger, and you are to respect her as she is your teacher."

"Yes sir."

"Now, prior to popular belief to you and your little friends, being a muggle-born does not limit Professor Grangers abilitis. She is every bit as smart as the rest of the staff, if not more. I taught her when she was a student and if someone had not mentioned the fact that she came from a muggle family I would have presumed her to be a pureblood."

Severus had no idea where that all had come from.

"You are to apologize to Professor Granger in class on Monday morning. I will know if you do or not."

Severus assigned him lines and stooped behind his desk marking large red letters on the top corner of the parchments. He usually only had to read 3 or 4 lines into a parchment before knowing the mark. He remembered that he usually didn't bother reading Miss Grangers assignments, he always knew they were one hundred percent right, even if they were compied by memory. She never did write in her own visions, which is what he tried teaching her for so long.

"Mister Steiner, you may go now. And remember - Monday morning."

After another hour of grading, Severus went on his usual patrolling of the castle. He hoped that it would be quiet, and without interruptions. He was, of course, wrong.


End file.
